


I Know You

by Eyesthatseenothing



Series: Gallavich Week [3]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternative s7 ending, Angst and Feels, GW2017A, Gallavich Week Day 3, Ian finally explains his actions and feelings, M/M, Mentions of bipolar, ian uses his words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 20:27:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11043708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eyesthatseenothing/pseuds/Eyesthatseenothing
Summary: Gallavich Week Day 3: Alternative s7 endingHe should have expected it. The moment they’re both happy something has to come along and fuck it all up and not surprisingly it was Monica yet again. “You have to go back.”





	I Know You

**Author's Note:**

> Just like 5X12 Mickey was left with no explanation but I've always felt he knew Ian so well he could have guessed. I've written Ian finally explaining his feelings but after being pushed. I also needed Ian to realise they both deserve their happiness and to accept/admit who was their for him when he needed.  
> I could see the doubt in Ian's face way before the boarder and I believe Mickey would have been able to as well, especially after their night under the stars. Bipolar makes you question your decisions especially the big ones.

 

As they lay under the stars Mickey could tell. He knew Ian so well he could see the doubt seeping into him all day but he still felt the need to fight for him, to keep him close so he could protect him from the world, but more importantly from himself. He’d protected Ian for so long, even before he could admit to his own feelings and he doubted that intense need would ever change. Ian was it for him, the person he’d fallen in love with so long ago and he knew that he’d always feel that way about him. He was under his skin, that would never change.

 

He’d spoken so openly to Ian only minutes earlier but had only gotten short replies to his questions and most felt like a brush off. Was like Ian had turned into him as he was for the first 2 years they were sort of something and now he’d become Ian. If only they could finally be on the same page instead of missing each other as they grew. As he’d learnt to accept his feelings, to stop denying how he felt for his lanky ass dork he’d instead had to watch him fall apart before his eyes. Had to watch the legacy Ian’s junkie selfish cunt of a mother had cursed him with.

 

He now knew so much about bipolar and not just what he’d learned when they’d been together. He’d spent time in the prison library which funnily enough had quite a few books on mental illness, he could probably be a therapist he’d study it so much trying to understand and no longer felt the intense hurt or anger from Ian’s past behaviour.

 

The cheating, the lying and that fucken porno weren’t the real Ian, they were symptoms of a disease that left its sufferers with limited control or the ability to comprehend their behaviour, to have any understanding of the outcomes of their actions and the consequences they’d bring. He’d already accepted, chosen to live with this Ian even if it meant him refusing treatment, he’d stay by his side but that was before he’d broken up with him, before that bitch Sammy had ripped him from his life.

 

Right now though he had to know, he deserved to know why Ian had made that choice after so long pursuing him only to dump him like yesterday’s rubbish after all they’d been through, fought for, to finally be openly together no matter what the outcome.

 

As they lay alongside each other on this cool evening with only the moon and the stars to see by he tentatively reached for Ian’s hand and felt somewhat comforted when he held his in return. It was now or never and even if he ended up pushing Ian further away he had to know why.

 

He tasted a faint tinge of metallic as he bit his bottom lip too hard before he asked him what he’d so desperately needed to know for so long, what had tormented him so much while he’d been locked up. He let go of Ian’s hand now and turned on his side to face him then pulled Ian onto his so he could see his expressions more clearly and hopefully get him to face him while they spoke and not look away when he asked.

 

He tried to control his voice but heard the faint breaking in his speech while he spoke. “We never got to finish our conversation before that bitch turned up and chased me with a gun, I need to understand why, I deserve to fucken know why after all we’d been through Ian.” He stroked his face gently, more so to keep him facing him than to comfort him.

 

He watched him knowing he was trying to find the words to explain or he at least hoped he was. Ian surprised him when he finally did open up using more words than he’d spoken in the last hour. “At first I believed Monica, that you couldn’t accept who I’d become without the medication.”

 

He watched him closely yet again, knowing he could tell if Ian was lying to him. “Then when you spoke about sickness and health and all that shit I realised you didn’t deserve this, this fucked up person I’d become, that you’d stand by me even if I didn’t take the meds and I knew at that moment I couldn’t do that to you. Fuck Mick, you deserve so much better than me, so much more than waiting around for me to do my next fucked up shit and hurt you over and over knowing you wouldn’t leave, that you’d always stand by me, forgive me.” He could see the honesty in his eyes as they began to fill with tears.

 

He knew Ian was being truthful, he would never leave him no matter what he’d do. “Don’t you think that was my fucken choice to make? Hadn’t I proved to you no matter what I wouldn’t leave you?” He asked him trying to hold back the anger that Ian had taken that decision away from him.

 

Ian didn’t answer his question so he continued. “And when the meds started to work, when you levelled out after you came to see me the last time didn’t you think how much it would mean to me to visit, to show me something even if we weren’t together?”

 

Ian was crying now as he spoke. “That’s when I realised what I’d done, what I’d put you through by sticking by me. I… I…” He stuttered. “I fucked over your whole life Mick, the things I did to you killed me to think about. The fucken guilt I felt was unbearable, I couldn’t face you when I thought of what I’d put you through and the longer I dwelled on everything the harder it became to see you again.”

 

He couldn’t hold back now as he responded pissed off. “So hooking up with some other fag help you with that? Help you just forget me and leave me to fucken rot?”

 

“No, you were always there at the back of my mind. I even rubbished what we’d had, forced myself to speak shit about us to convince myself I didn’t miss you and what we’d had was something violent and ugly.” He was a taken about knowing all this.

 

“Really? Fuck Ian, I know we had our moments when we’d both beaten on each other but fuck, after all we’d become?” He shut down again and didn’t answer. “You know I wouldn’t hold it against you if you fucked other guys while I was locked up, I fucked around too just like we both did last time I was in juvie but did that really have to end us completely?”

 

It was clear that was all he was gonna be able to get out of Ian about the breakup at this time so he went for what he saw now before him. “You’re leaving me at the boarder.” He didn’t ask it as a question, he didn’t believe it was one, simply a fact.

 

Ian at least looked him in the eyes when he responded but he could hear the uncertainty in his voice. “I don’t know what the fuck to do Mick. I want to be with you, I really do but I’ve done so much in the last 2 years to make something of myself. Fuck… I got myself stable, got a good job, finally feel like I have some control back in my life and what if that all fucks up, what if my meds shit themselves and I lose it again like before? We’ll both be illegal in a foreign country and fuck knows what I’ll do to both of us if that happens.” He asked him sincerely.

 

Fuck, Ian did have a point. “Look, I know that’s a risk and just like before I would never fucken leave you, would always try and do the best by you. I fucken love you man, you been my world for so fucken long. It’s a risk yes and maybe a bit selfish but after everything we been through don’t you think we deserve a chance to finally be happy?” He felt like he was grasping at straws now.

 

Ian unexpectedly grabbed his hand tightly, a slight tremble radiating from his and in his voice. “Be honest with me Mick, do I seem a little manic right now or is it just nerves?” Ian continued before he could answer, tears shining in his eyes from the moonlight. “I need to be me, to know I’m me making this choice and not that other fucked up me!” He pleaded with him.

 

This Mickey understood and realised in that moment he couldn’t have manic Ian make this choice, it had to be the ‘real’ Ian or it was all for shit. He moved as close as he could and pulled him into his arms holding him tight and kissed him softly. “How bout we hold off crossing till the afternoon and talk a bit more tomorrow when we’re both a bit more clear headed. I want you with me man, I fucken need you.” He didn’t realise he’d let go a few tears himself until he felt Ian’s fingers gently caressing his face, brushing them away.

 

 

******

 

 

Mickey sprung to his feet panicked just like he’d done those first few months locked up when he realised Ian wasn’t sleeping alongside him. He was groggy and disorientated, trying to get his bearings and not wig out when he heard noise coming towards him from the direction of the car. He turned and saw Ian walking through the thick foliage and returning to his side.

 

Ian was actually smiling, his 16 year old self smile and he knew in that moment he wasn’t manic, he was him and he’d now get his answer and it terrified him. “Hey.” He tried to say calmingly and failed.

 

“Sorry, didn’t wanna wake you but I needed some food, even if it is only junk food so I can take my meds.” Ian pulled him back down beside him as he sat opening his backpack that he hadn’t noticed he’d left behind and pulled out 3 small bottles and popped his pills washing them back with some water then opening up a pack of chips and shoving a handful in his mouth before offering him some.

 

He refused, unable to stomach them and waited until the pack was empty, unable to speak until he knew Ian had eaten enough not to get sick and watched how the sun shone off the vibrant red hair he loved so much. It was his favourite feature of Ian’s not counting his cock, he eyes were fixated on that hair burning it into his memory in case it was his last chance.

 

He was saved from asking when Ian spoke first smiling at him softly and felt his heart clench knowing this was it. “What you said last night, bout me being there for you more than your own family made me realise you’d been there more for me too. That last year we had together you stood by me even when I hurt you, when I fucked up everything I’d ever wanted. As much as I love my family they’ve never been what you were for me, they’re less so now they have their own lives and I want mine.”

 

Ian leant towards him resting his forehead against his own, his hands against his cheeks gently stroking them with the pads of his thumbs. He reached up touching him in return and inhaled deeply. “Is that a yes?” Ian barely moved his head in an up and down motion. “You coming with me?” He had to hear the words.

 

Ian pulled back just enough to look him in the eyes before replying. “Yeah Mick, I’m coming with you.” Ian was serious, Ian was himself. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you this but I fucken love you, have for so long and that’s never gonna change.”

 

Mickey wrapped him in his arms gently running his fingers through his hair as Ian clung to him face nestled in his neck. He wasn’t sure how long they held each other but as he felt his legs start to ache from the position they were in Ian’s cell started to buzz and buzz and fucken buzz, multiple messages coming through.

 

Ian moved back and reached into the front pocket of his bag for his cell and opened it. “That your boyfriend?” He smirked.

 

He watched as Ian’s face visibly paled, turned white as a ghost and felt himself panic in return. He passed him his phone and when he read the messages that seemed to be from every Gallagher in existence his heart dropped.

 

He should have expected it. The moment they’re both happy something has to come along and fuck it all up and not surprisingly it was Monica yet again. “You have to go back.” He said quietly.

 

“NO!” Ian shrieked back at him.

 

He had to let him go, couldn’t risk Ian resenting him for missing his own mother’s funeral. It needed to be clean, no more illnesses or people getting in their way and fucking shit up. “Hey, hey. You were still the closest to her, you need to say goodbye or you’ll regret it later on. I know you remember, do this for me so we can truly be free.”

 

 

******

 

 

2 hours later as he approached the boarder he could vaguely see Ian in his rear view mirror where they’d said goodbye. He’d left him with the burner phone and the promise they’d keep in touch, that Ian would meet up with him in 3 or 4 weeks time.

 

He passed through no problem, not expecting it to happen in the ridiculous disguise he wore. He used every bit of will power he had left to rehardened his heart like he’d done in prison, not expecting to ever lay eyes on his Ian again.

 

 

******

 

 

Ian listened to music as loud as he could physically handle on the trip back to Chicago trying to shut out all thought and failing, his life once again royally fucked thanks to his mother. While he did love her, would mourn her to a certain degree, her death really wouldn’t affect his life in the way most would feel if they lost a parent. Yes, a part of him did feel a type of loss when he thought of Monica but it mostly centred around the fact that he’d never really had a mom, even the times she did wander back into their lives briefly to drop off another kid or because she suddenly had the urge. Mickey was right though, they were the closest but she’d done nothing but cause him and his siblings pain their whole lives, Mickey too.

 

His mind felt the loss of Mickey not her. He was grateful he’d pushed him into opening up or he probably never would. He’d always kept things close to his chest but since his diagnosis, since he began to doubt any thought or feelings he had he’d closed himself off more. His family never noticed or cared to really ask how he was doing unless he showed some type of emotion, worried he was having an episode and forgetting he was human too, that it was ok to have emotions that didn’t relate to his illness.

 

In the 2 years Mickey had been locked up not one member of his family had asked how he felt. Asked if he was doing ok without the person he’d been in love with since he was a teen. Asked if he even knew how Mickey was doing after all he’d done for him when he’d brought him home and cared for him when he was sick, his family to wrapped up in their own lives to help unless it was to judge or tell them what they should or shouldn’t be doing.

 

When Mandy had needed his help he’d rushed to be there for her knowing if it was Mickey he would do the same for his family. She was the only person he’d felt comfortable enough to share that he did miss him even if the conversation was brief and she’d brought him up. She didn’t push him for more, she could read him as easily as Mickey could so they didn’t need any further discussion. It was the only time in 2 years he’d actually said it out loud until he’d spoken to Fiona after the Mickey’s escape and she’d warned him to stay away.

 

He knew his relationship with Caleb was a rebound, a distraction of sorts and if he denied all he’d had with Mickey, turned it into something ugly and unhealthy maybe he could trick his mind into believing it was true, maybe the guilt and longing he felt towards him would go away but it didn’t. He wasn’t even really that upset when he’d ended things with Caleb, he was mostly pissed and frustrated that he couldn’t see it was still cheating no matter who it was with. He probably even deserved some karma coming his way no matter how understanding Mickey was.

 

Then he’d had a manic episode, albeit a mild one compared to when he was unmedicated, the first one since being stable but it wasn’t from the leaving Caleb. It was the reminder of all the times he could remember cheating on Mickey and the times he couldn’t, even if they’d both known it was related to his bipolar. It didn’t negate the fact that he’d betrayed him even if he’d been so easily forgiven. When the distraction of another man was gone the immensity of his guilt hit him full force. The psychiatrist he saw warned him it was a common occurrence with bipolar patients after they’d been medicated, when they could finally feel and comprehend what they’d done while manic. The memories no longer had a barrier and to watch out if it happened as it could cause a relapse and it did.

 

As the bus made its way into Chicago he didn’t even want to deal with Trevor, that had been another mistake. He was a nice guy but after the initial attraction wore off he would have preferred a friend, instead he’d found himself reverting back to his behaviour from when he was younger, when he was a teen and let himself be pushed into a sexual relationship he didn’t really want. It was over the moment he’d locked eyes with Mickey again but he’d tell him the truth and let him end it knowing he would.

 

By the time he eventually got home he walked into a house full of people who didn’t even realise he’d disappeared, they’d simply taken his word he was working and left it at that. He went back to work the next day as he was rostered on and needing a distraction, then went to see Trevor so he could break up with him or really let him dump him.

 

 

_Ian >>> home… miss u_

_Mickey >>> u2_

 

 

The biggest shock was Monica’s inheritance but not really. If she was gonna leave her kids anything it would be meth or some other illegal substance. Fiona’s reaction was predictable but she’d reject anything from their mom. Was nice of their grandfather to make his first appearance in their lives too, he’d neglected them just like his daughter had but acted the victim blaming Frank. Must be where Monica learned her behaviour but at least he’d paid for the funeral.

 

He’d gone early to the funeral alone to look at her one last time and fuck that was a windfall for him, Mickey would be proud. After hiding behind the door and watching Fiona verbally abuse and hit their dead mom, she did deserve it, he’d seen her shove hers and Liam’s meth into the casket. He waited till she was done yelling and made sure she’d gone outside before he snuck in and pulled the meth back out, shoving it inside his jacket and hoping no one would notice. Of course they didn’t, only one person in his life ever noticed everything he did.

 

 

_Ian >>> she left us meth_

_Mickey >>> go see Iggy_

_Ian >>> miss u_

_Mickey >>> u2_

 

 

That night he played happy families with his siblings and Frank, it would be the last time hopefully, so he made sure to spend as much time with them as he could. By the end he felt reassured he was leaving them on good terms even though he didn’t plan on saying goodbye. Fiona had her apartments, Lip was going to AA, Debbie was settled with Neil and planning on learning welding which he found slightly amusing but the money was good. Carl would be leaving also in a few days to go back to military school and Liam would be fine, Fiona still acknowledged he was her responsibility so he didn’t feel much guilt leaving him.

 

The next day he took the meth and hid it at the abandoned buildings him and Mickey spent so much time at, then over the next few days he hunted down Iggy in between work and going home to an empty house. He still needed the money and didn’t want to risk changing his routine just in case the cops were watching him.

 

4 days after he started looking he found him at home. Iggy wasn’t as stupid as people thought, just high 99% of the time. First question out of his mouth, “He safe?” He was surprised by how concerned he actually sounded and hoped that was a good sign he would help.

 

He told him the situation, Monica’s inheritance, how Mickey was safe but they’d need money to give them a good start when he joined him. He readily agreed to help and 2 days later handed over $30,000 refusing a cut for selling it when he’d offered simply stating, “Give it to Mick.”

 

 

_Ian >>> Iggy got rid of it for me_

_Mickey >>> good_

_Ian >>> miss u_

_Mickey >>> u2_

 

 

He saw his Psychiatrist and told her he was moving to California, fresh start and all that bullshit. She wrote him a letter for whoever would be his new doctor and gave him a 3 month supply of meds to keep him going. After that he spoke to his boss Rita explaining how badly he was coping with his mother’s death and she agreed to let him have his 3 weeks’ holiday effective immediately to give him some time. He felt a little embarrassed lying to her but he couldn’t risk anything, he was so close to the finish line now.

 

Luckily for him Caleb had made him get a passport so he booked himself a cheap flight to Los Angeles, then a connecting flight to Mexico in a roundabout way. He knew from the tone of Mickey’s texts these last few weeks he didn’t expect him to come but he’d made his first real decision thinking of himself first and not his family. He wanted his happy ending too and he’d never felt more stable and content.

 

 

_Ian >>> leaving tomorrow… miss u_

_Mickey >>> u2_

 

 

******

 

 

Out of the dozen or so of gay bars in Puerto Vallarta Mickey had chosen one named ‘Mr Flamingo’. He knew Ian would rib him for it but hey, it was clean and the drinks were cheap. He was on his 3rd drink when he sensed someone slide onto the bar stool next to him and he knew it was him, he’d know his scent anywhere.

 

He turned in his seat so he was facing him and took in the image he was positive he’d never see again, took his time checking him out from head to foot unable to hold back a few tears. “I knew you’d come.” He stated simply.

 

Ian sat still for maybe a count of 2 before he leaped into his arms burying his face into his neck and replying wetly. “No you didn’t.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you've enjoyed my take on what I would have liked to have happened. Please leave me your comments and kudos as always :)


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